The Lords of Salem by Rob Zombie Audiobook review Spoilers

 

Sheri Moon Zombie as Heidi Hawthorne. Frustratingly,
this scene isn't in the book.

 

My first gripe about starting a new audio book is usually " I hate this narrator," This one, Erin Bennet does a fair job letting me know which character is speaking through her performance. When she is just narrating she sounds just like Siri.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Heidi
She died. The end.

Wow! What an unbelievably shitty ending. Let me sum it up for you. The story is all about a chick named Heidi (Sherri Zombie in the movie). Heidi is the descendent of the judge in the Salem witch trials and executions. For some 320 years the victims, who in this story were far from innocent, have plotted to take their revenge. Without... a breath of explanation how, these victims (their leader, Margaret Morgan played by the lovely Meg Foster in the movie) now inhabit the bodies of modern day "witches". I should mention, Zombie does manage to make a one line distinction between Wicca and whatever these people are to be called. Satanist would be a little more accurate, but even the followers of LaVey's doctrines are really just secular humanist atheists.
These "witches" are real life, bona fide ritual-murdering devil-worshiping pagans. Ok back to the ending.

Evil Lyn's bad hair day. Meg Foster as Margaret Morgan.

 Rob Zombie for ten hours of audio, puts us in the life of Miss Heidi. We get to know her, her friends, her dog etcetera. Then in the span of half an hour, kills everyone. The Ahab of the story is the first to go. Francis Mathias, the historian tries to warn Heidi, but the witches kill him. Her friend Whitey tries to save her... but the witches kill him. Her friend Herman (The massive Ken Foree. Surely he's not going down like a little bitch ::cough Joe Grizzly cough::) tries to save her but... the witches kill him. This pattern getting old yet? And then finally the witches... kill Heidi. The End.

Don't get me wrong. I like Rob Zombie! I loved Ho1KC, I loved Rejects, I loved Halloween! I wanted so badly to like this but it blows. Oh and if you're reading/listening or watching for Sid Haig and Berryman, they get it in the first chapter/ 15 minutes. Save your money or Audible credit and especially ten hours of your life. Now, I have not yet seen the movie so I can't speak to it. Rob hasn't disappointed me as a director yet, only as a novelist. However as this "book" is just a movie adaptation, that is a literal translation of a film onto the page, I can't expect the film to be much better.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1731697/combined also now playing in theaters. Maybe I'll wait til next week and use a free pass just to kill two more hours.



Ken Foree. NO body messes with Ken Foree... Right?